I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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