When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
