I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
