It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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