She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
