cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Dick very happy bro
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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