I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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