fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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