i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
