Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
