Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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