i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
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HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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