goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
