I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
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