so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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