my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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