I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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