i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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