Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
