After last night, I could never be a politician.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
