Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
