I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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