Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
