There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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