Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
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antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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