Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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