I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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