I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
