and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
