You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
