You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
