The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
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