haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
