the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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