dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
