So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
