woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
