why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
