Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
