My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
