please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just high enough for therapy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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