fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
