i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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