Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
