so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
