honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
