god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
