Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
