Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
