I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
