My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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