Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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