There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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